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Am I Too Special?
by Wenda Reed

I am special,
I am special,
Look at me, you will see
Someone very special…

We sat in a circle, all of us moms in the toddler class at Bothell Coop Preschool, and each of us hugged and kissed our little one as we sang this song to the tune of “Frere Jacques.” The message we hoped to convey was that our own child was special and precious to us and that each child was special in his own way.

An unintended consequence of that message may be that today’s young adults feel too special, according to Jean Twenge, associate professor of psychology at San Diego State University and author of Generation Me: Why Today’s Young Americans Are More Confident, Assertive, Entitled – and More Miserable than Ever Before (Free Press, 2006).

Twenge and her colleagues recently presented the results of the Narcissistic Personality Inventory, tabulating the responses of 16,475 college students between 1982 and 2006. The students were asked to pick their preferred answers to several hundred paired statements. In 1982, about a third of the students picked an above-average number of responses termed “narcissistic,” such as “I think I am a special person,” “I can live my life any way I want to” or “If I ruled the world, it would be a better place.” In 2006, two-thirds of the students had above-average scores for narcissistic answers.

Twenge and her colleagues think the drastic increases indicate that the self-esteem movement of the 1980s and ‘90s has gone awry. More young people are showing more signs of narcissism, including feelings of entitlement, an exaggerated sense of their own importance, a need for admiration, self-centered behavior, lack of empathy and less emphasis on maintaining close relationships or being part of a community.

This is not so surprising if you think of the child-centered family from the child’s point of view.

She is told how special she is in her early years, and as she grows up, she finds more and more evidence of it. She is so special that if she wants a new toy or electronic device, she gets it, without much waiting or working. Adults interrupt whatever they are doing to talk with her or to meet her needs right now. Whatever she does or tries is praised. Her parents give up their own hobbies and activities to plan their weekends and evenings around her special interests.

If she makes a mistake, she will be sheltered from the consequences. If she does something wrong, her parents will defend her before teachers, principals, even the courts.

If she fails, her parents will turn it into a success.

It’s not easy to show our children unconditional love and respect for their talents and interests without creating a child-centered environment. When our children were growing up, my husband and I gave them some of the things they wanted, if we could afford them, but we sometimes made them work and save for things. We did make the mistake of structuring too much of our lives around our children’s sports interests, but tried not to take responsibility for keeping them entertained. Often it’s good for kids to be on the receiving end of my mother’s response to “We’re bored.” She’d quote her own mother: “If you’re bored, you’re boring.” Her message was, “It’s not my problem. Go find something to do.”

The hardest things were letting our children take the consequences of their mistakes and confronting them when they were really wrong, even if it hurt their feelings.

It’s a difficult balancing act, as all of parenting is. But we want our children to have a realistic sense of their own place in the world, rather than the conviction that the world revolves around them. We want them to feel special – but not too special.

Wenda Reed lives in Bothell and is a freelance writer and a mother of two.

©2007 Caliope Publishing Company