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Supporting a Grieving Friend

Every woman I know, including myself, has known sorrow. Whether it’s for the death of a loved one or some other tragedy that befalls us or someone close to us, many of us have experienced grief. If you delve deeply enough, almost any woman into her thirties or forties has a story to tell about loss. If we’re willing to listen, to share our own stories in turn, it can be another rich and powerful way to connect — and a source of healing.

In this issue, Eileen Nicol writes movingly about her own pain after the death of her sister to cancer. She relates ways we can offer our friends who are grieving both emotional and practical support without causing them additional distress. Even if we’ve been there ourselves, it’s not always easy to know the right thing to do or say. But the comfort we can provide — woman to woman — is priceless.

For myself, I could not have survived a series of miscarriages in my thirties without the love and understanding of my women friends. I could talk through things with them in a way I couldn’t with my husband, who was too emotionally invested and so focused on “fixing the problem” that he couldn’t really hear what I was feeling.

While most of us recognize that we may pass through the same stages of grief, each at our own pace, I think it’s also important to realize that each experience with sorrow is unique. One friend going through a divorce described her grief as a thick fog, impossible to navigate and cutting her off from the rest of the world.

Also, while most would agree that a loved one’s death is a “valid reason” for intense sadness, other causes for grief — perhaps less apparent to some — will require us to step forward and offer solace where we can. A friend struggling to become pregnant mourned deeply each month when her period came. She felt that only other women who’d suffered through infertility could truly understand the depth of her sadness. Still, the expression of love and support from all friends was comforting to her.

A cautionary note: Be careful not to get sucked into a competition for “best” friend when offering support. I watched this happen last year when a friend of mine suffered a debilitating illness with a long road to recovery. Everyone wanted to do everything for her and her family, and hurt feelings resulted when some felt their help was not wanted or needed. It took a big effort for all of us to organize ourselves so that everything that needed doing got done without burdening our friend or her loved ones. Too much help too soon can simply be — too much. The last thing you want is for a grieving friend to feel guilty or responsible for the hurt feelings of others.

And remember: When the crowd of supporters has diminished and it seems as if a “normal” mourning period has transpired, your friend will need you more than ever — even if it’s just to sit and listen, because now she’s ready to talk.

Karen Matthee
Editor and Cofounder

©February 2007 Caliope Publishing Company