subscribe | advertise | about | contact | home

Excuse Me, Pardon Me, I’m Sorry:
When It’s Not Polite to Apologize
by Kristen J. Elde

“What if we were to create a new position, hire someone to take on administrative functions so Lisa can focus on the new account? I mean, I don’t know … I’m sorry … it just seems like she’s so busy these days, like she could really use the help.”

From her position at the head of the table, my manager replied: “Yes, that makes a lot of sense. Give me a few days, but I think this may be our answer.”

Once again, I’d done it: I’d apologized for coming up with a good idea. And sure, this time I’d noticed, but how many times have I let an “I’m sorry” slip out unaware? Too many. Not that I’m the only one; I’ve seen plenty of friends and coworkers assume the practice, asking to be pardoned excessively and unnecessarily. Interestingly, they all carry a pair of X chromosomes.

What’s going on here anyway? And is it something to worry about?

According to Susan Solovic, author of The Girls’ Guide to Power and Success, it is. “It really diminishes power,” said Solovic, who confirms that women are far more likely to engage in habitual apologizing than men. In addition to compromising their authority, Solovic says women who fall into the “I’m sorry” trap end up confusing those around them, especially men, who are much less apt to utter those two words.

“I’ve been in situations, working with male colleagues, where something has happened and I’ve said, ‘Oh gosh, I’m sorry,’” she says. “Immediately they respond with ‘Oh no, don’t worry about it.’ But I really didn’t mean ‘I’m sorry.’”

Solovic acknowledges that women tend to respond more favorably to excessive apologizing. “In the company of other women, it seems to be alright, because they understand what’s happening,” she says. “But in situations in which you’re dealing with men, then you’ve got a problem, because they don’t understand that it’s used as more of a filler; they’re taking it literally … So by tossing it out there all the time, it’s confusing, it puts you in an unfavorable light, and most of the time, (men) are more than willing to let you step up to the plate and take the blame.”

Seattle-based PR consultant Alison Athay says accepting undue blame is a real detriment in her line of work. “Selling ideas is a big part of our job, and if you do that with a constant ‘Oh I’m sorry, that’s not what I meant to say,’ you won’t convince anyone that you’re their woman or man. No client is going to want to listen to me if I say ‘Oh, well, I mean, gosh, I’m sorry, what I meant to say was this…’”

Score! Sorry …
Women with a penchant for apologizing aren’t necessarily sporting heels and a sweater set. Try cleats and a jersey. Jen Singer, once a collegiate soccer player, draws from firsthand experience – on the field.

“My coach didn’t want us saying it [sorry] to each other during practice because he knew we would get into the habit of apologizing, which he didn’t want us doing in games,” said Singer. “He felt it would make us less tough, and he wanted us to be tougher.”

The apologizing still occurred, although as Singer recalls, the opposing team often set the tone. “The tougher the team we played and the less they apologized to us, the less we apologized to them. I mean, elbows are flying, there’s no apologizing going on. The nicer the team we played, the nicer we were back.”

Still, come game time, men simply do not pardon themselves, nice team or not.

“I watched my brother, and I don’t think he ever apologized once,” Singer recalls. “To them [guys] it’s a competition. You’re supposed to beat the other person, and you’re not supposed to feel bad about it.”

Singer has since traded her soccer ball for a tennis racquet, yet the trend persists. “I’ve played tennis against women who apologize for hitting a good shot. Don’t apologize; you hit a good shot! I couldn’t get it!”

Like Mother, Like Daughter
So what’s really at play here? Why do women engage in a practice that ultimately diminishes power and authority? What got the self-blame ball rolling?

Athay cites a link between apologizing and the high value women place on friendship. “Women, by nature, are completely social, thriving in relationship and in the company of other women,” she says. “Relationship is critical to women’s livelihood and for this reason, ‘I’m sorry’ is a subliminal message to friends: ‘Your friendship is important to me and I don’t want to lose it.’”

Tiffany White, a graduate student at Arizona State University’s Cronkite School of Journalism, finds that taking the heat gives her a sense of control. “It seems easier to put people at ease … make the situation better right away by shouldering the blame because maybe in a sense I feel like I can fix it.”

White thinks we learn it from our mothers. “Growing up, my mom emphasized the importance of taking responsibility for one’s own actions,” she says. “But I think that sometimes I took that too much to heart.”

Dr. Pam Brill, psychologist and author of The Winner’s Way: A Proven Method for Achieving Your Personal Best in Any Situation, agrees that training starts young.

“For any woman, but especially for women who are raising daughters or leading and mentoring other women in the workplace, learning to apologize and take credit appropriately are critical to their success – and to the success of those they lead.”

President and founder of In the Zone Peak Performance Consulting, Brill describes over-apologizing as a reflection of low self-confidence. “You might do it in one arena but not in another where you feel confident,” she says. “It won’t make you feel better, but it will let others in your workplace or personal life off the hook – not a good thing, especially when you are trying to raise kids to take accountability for their true goof-ups and confidently take credit for things they do well.

“When we are not confident in ourselves – and let’s face it, men are more confident than women, in general – we tend to blame ourselves for things that go wrong and to hand off credit for things that go wonderfully right.”

Mop Up Your Own Spills, Damn It
Life coach Mare Petras teaches women to stop “mopping up everyone else’s spills” in favor of taking charge of their own lives. In her experience, this shift occurs naturally in many women once their 30s are behind them.

“I’ve seen this ‘taking blame’ start to change in mid-life when we ‘rebirth’ ourselves and begin to nurture ourselves over others. We start to speak our truth, and are not afraid of conflict.”

Says Petras, “I grew up as a typical good girl – a perfect girl in every way – and I think I got totally exhausted. You get to a certain age where you realize, ‘There’s more to the world, I don’t need to be loved by everybody, I love myself.’ I’m not going to use the f-word, but it’s kind of like ‘blank ’em all, I am who I am.’”

Petras is optimistic that the current generation of young women may have an easier time of it.

“I think a lot of it has to do with the women’s movement and the resulting sense of empowerment,” she says. “There is still a ton of work that needs to be done, but I do think that as far as the blaming goes – I call it the doormat syndrome – it’s decreasing, because I think that parents today are trying to empower their daughters more, to raise self-esteem, and to express that although compassion and empathy are great, they should never own anything that isn’t theirs.”

At 27, graduate student Noelani Chamberlain seems to be on the right track. “I admit when I’m wrong and apologize if I feel it’s justified. I may feel guilty at times for disappointing people, but I always remember that if it’s out of my hands, it’s out of my hands.”

©2005 Caliope Publishing Company